Funny Marriage Advice and More Humor

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Funny Marriage Advice from Fifth Graders

How do you decide whom to marry?

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before you, and you only get to find out later who you’re stuck with.

What is the right age to get married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you’ve known the person forever by then.

When is it OK to kiss someone?

  • When they’re rich.
  • The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
  • The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

Is it better to be single or married?

It’s better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

How would you make a marriage work? 

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

How would the world be different if people didn’t get married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day, I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

Cured

chef_with_ham_illo_full_width.jpg

Into a general store came a lanky young man, complaining that the ham that he had purchased there was not good.

“Why, that ham’s all right,” insisted the storekeeper.

“No, it ain’t,” said the young man. “That ham is spoiled.”

“Why, how could that ham be spoiled,” continued the storekeeper, “when it was cured only last week?”

“Well, mister, that ham may have been cured last week, but it’s got a relapse now and that’s the truth!”

How much was Ted Williams worth?

It so happened that in December 1995, Massachusetts State Senator (now Congressman) Stephen Lynch was asked to be on the platform with other dignitaries for the opening of the Ted Williams Tunnel, connecting downtown Boston with Logan Airport. As he settled himself, Lynch found that, much to his delight and surprise, he was sitting next to the great Ted Williams himself.

baseball_illo_full_width.jpgAfter a few nervous moments, he finally got up the courage to ask Ted a question that he and many other baseball fans had been dying to ask: What did Ted think of the “ridiculously high” salaries now often being paid to “only so-so ballplayers”?

Ted thought for a moment and then answered, “I suppose if they can get that kind of money from the boys upstairs, good for them.”

A bit surprised by Ted’s answer, Senator Lynch then asked him how much he thought he would be getting for a salary if he were still playing.

“I’d say about 3 million,” Ted replied.

“Only 3 million?” Lynch asked, shocked. “Last of the .400 hitters, greatest batter in the history of baseball, and all you think you’d get today would be 3 million?”

Ted turned to look directly at the young senator and, with a smile, said, “Well, you gotta realize… I’m 77 years old.”

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