Funny Puns and Jokes

Chess Piece

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Let’s have some pun, I mean, fun!  Here are funny puns and jokes to bring a grin (or groan) to your day.

What’s a pun? It’s a joke that plays with words. There are many words that sound alike but have different meanings. Some puns are so bad, they’re good. We’ll let you decide …

Groan Men

  • Mahatma Gandhi, as everyone knows, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a—ready?—super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
  • A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 
    “But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
    ​“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

More Grins and Groans

THE FARMER AND THE CODE ENFORCEMENT OFFICER

cop_quarter_width.jpgA Vermont farmer was standing in his barnyard when an official-looking car pulled up. The driver got out and introduced himself as the local code enforcement officer.

“I was noticing your fence,” he said. “You have three 3-inch rails. You need to have either three 4-inch rails or four 3-inch rails.”

“Ya don’t say,” said the farmer.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to write you up,” continued the code officer, but as he was doing so, he had to keep swatting away at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

fly_quarter_width.jpg

“Havin’ some trouble with them circle flies, are ya?” asked the farmer.

The man stopped writing for a moment. “Well, yeah,” he said, “if that’s what they are. I’ve never heard of circle flies.”

“Well, circle flies are common on farms,” replied the farmer. “Ya see, they’re called circle flies beca

use they’re almost always found circlin’ around the back end of a horse.”

“Oh,” said the code officer, as he continued writing.

After a minute, he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute! Are you trying to call me a horse’s rear end?”

“Oh, no, no,” replied the farmer. “I have too much respect for code officers and the government to even think about callin’ ya that.”

“Good,” said the man, as he went back to writing the citation.

After a long pause, the farmer added, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

 

Why Dogs and Cats Were Created

Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the Garden, you walked with me every day. I do not see you anymore, and I am lonely.”

God said, “I shall create a companion for you to always be with you and reflect My love for you. His love shall be unconditional; regardless of how selfish, childish, or unlovable you are, he will accept and love you.”

God created an animal for Adam, and it was good. And God said, “Because this animal is a reflection of My dog_and_cat_quarter_width.pnglove for you, his name shall be a reflection of My name, and you will call him ‘dog.’”

The dog lived with Adam. Adam was comforted. The dog was content and wagged his tail.

Then it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become prideful; he struts and preens and believes that he is worthy of adoration. He has learned from the dog’s devotion that he is loved, but he has no humility.”

And the Lord said, “I shall create another companion who will see him as he is and remind him of his limitations, so that he knows he is not worthy of adoration and will become humble.”

So God created the cat. The cat did not obey Adam, and when he gazed into the cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. He learned humility.

Adam was greatly improved.

God was pleased.

So was the dog.

The cat did not care one way or the other.

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