Humor Me: Grins and Groans from the Almanac

Extra! Dec 2015 Wit


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Do You Swear to Tell the Whole Truth?

These actual court transcriptions raise the question of just what the “whole truth” is…

Q: You say you’re innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn’t see me steal it.

Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.

Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, OK?
A: Oral?
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be 3 months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Why Did Kamikaze Pilots Wear Helmets?

Need to lose some sleep? Ponder these …

  1. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  2. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
  3. Why do we drive on parkways and park in driveways?
  4. If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
  5. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  6. Why do “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
  7. Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?
  8. If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside down?
  9. What is another word for “thesaurus”?
  10. If “pro” is the opposite of “con,” is “progress” the opposite of “Congress”?


Bill Jones, the local athletic “champion,” was bragging about his physical prowess at the local bar. None of the regulars challenged him, but a visitor piped up, “I’ll bet you 20 dollars that I can wheel something in a wheelbarrow for one block and you can’t wheel it back.”


Bill looked the visitor over and decided that whatever the stranger could do, he could do better. “I’ll take you on,” he said.

The visitor, Bill, and a number of the regulars borrowed a wheelbarrow and took it to the corner.

The challenger smiled smugly, rubbed his hands, picked up the handles, and turned to Bill. “OK, Bill,” he said. “Get in.”

Photo Credit: Click49 Shutterstock

Christmas Riddles

See answers at bottom of this page. Don’t peek!

1. What do hungry snowmen put on their ice-burgers?


2. Where would a reindeer go to find her lost tail?


3. How do snowmen travel around?


4. Why was the turkey asked to join the elf band?


5. Where does a snowman keep his money?


6. What do you call Santa’s helpers?


7. What do snowmen wear on their heads?



1. Chilly sauce

2. a “re-tail” store

3. By icicle

4. Because he had the drum sticks

5. In a snow bank

6. Subordinate Clauses

7. Ice caps

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