Enjoy a humorous guide to buying houses, entertaining epitaphs, and some 19th-century humor.
House Buying for Dummies
What the words really mean…
“Doll house”: really cramped
“Comfortable”: needs repairs
“Rustic”: badly needs repairs
“Rural setting”: road is bad
“Panoramic view”: just try to get up the drive in winter
“Ideal for entertaining”: you can’t afford it
“Executive”: you really, really can’t afford it
“Immediate occupancy”: has been hard to sell
“Reduced to sell”: price is still outrageous
“Gleaming”: we really had to work to get this ready for sale
“Decorator’s choice”: you’ll hate the colors
“All-electric kitchen”: has garbage disposal
“Secluded lot”: bushes are way overgrown
“Low taxes”: neighborhood nearly ready for urban renewal
“3 to 4 bedrooms”: if you can find a place to eat in the kitchen
“Centrally located”: you’ll have fun keeping watch on the bar next door
“Modern”: has indoor bathroom
“Chateau-like”: mansard roof leaks
“Baronial living room”: fireplace is too big to draw properly
“Victorian elegance”: the heating bills are interesting
Here lies a poor woman,
Who always was tired;
She lived in a house
Where help was not hired.
Her last words on Earth were,
“Dear friends, I am going
Where washing ain’t done,
Nor sweeping nor sewing.
But everything there
Is exact to my wishes,
For where they don’t eat,
There’s no washing dishes.
Don’t mourn for me now,
Don’t mourn for me never.
I’m going to do nothing
For ever and ever.”
Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,
Lies Uncle Peter Daniels,
Who too early in the month of May,
Took off his winter flannels.
Beneath these stones repose the
bones of Theodosius Grimm;
He took his beer from year to year
and then the bier took him.
Beneath these stones do lie,
Back to back, my wife and I!
When the last trumpet the air shall fill,
If she gets up, I’ll just lie still.
19th-Century Nonsense: Coffee and Whine
When an old gentleman drinking coffee at breakfast began to grumble most heartily, his son asked him the reason.
“At the quantity of grounds in my cup, boy,” replied the old man.
“Ah,” said the son, “then you certainly have many grounds for complaint.”