Entertaining Epitaphs, Humorous House-Buying, and More | Almanac.com

Entertaining Epitaphs, Humorous House-Buying, and More

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Grins and Groans from The Old Farmer's Almanac

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Enjoy a humorous guide to buying houses, entertaining epitaphs, and some 19th-century humor.

House Buying for Dummies

What the words really mean…

Doll house”: really cramped

Comfortable”: needs repairs

Rustic”: badly needs repairs

Rural setting”: road is bad

Panoramic view”: just try to get up the drive in winter

Ideal for entertaining”: you can’t afford it

Executive”: you really, really can’t afford it

Immediate occupancy”: has been hard to sell

Reduced to sell”: price is still outrageous

Gleaming”: we really had to work to get this ready for sale

Decorator’s choice”: you’ll hate the colors

All-electric kitchen”: has garbage disposal

Secluded lot”: bushes are way overgrown

Low taxes”: neighborhood nearly ready for urban renewal

3 to 4 bedrooms”: if you can find a place to eat in the kitchen

Centrally located”: you’ll have fun keeping watch on the bar next door

Modern”: has indoor bathroom

Chateau-like”: mansard roof leaks

Baronial living room”: fireplace is too big to draw properly

Victorian elegance”: the heating bills are interesting

Unbelievable”: unbelievable

Epic Epitaphs

Here lies a poor woman,
Who always was tired;

She lived in a house
Where help was not hired.

Her last words on Earth were,
“Dear friends, I am going

Where washing ain’t done,
Nor sweeping nor sewing.

But everything there
Is exact to my wishes,

For where they don’t eat,
There’s no washing dishes.

Don’t mourn for me now,
Don’t mourn for me never.

I’m going to do nothing
For ever and ever.”

–Penobscot, Maine

Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,
Lies Uncle Peter Daniels,

Who too early in the month of May,
Took off his winter flannels.

–Medway, Mass.

Beneath these stones repose the
bones of Theodosius Grimm;

He took his beer from year to year
and then the bier took him.

–Wakefield, Mass.

Beneath these stones do lie,
Back to back, my wife and I!

When the last trumpet the air shall fill,
If she gets up, I’ll just lie still.

–Sargentville, Maine

19th-Century Nonsense: Coffee and Whine

When an old gentleman drinking coffee at breakfast began to grumble most heartily, his son asked him the reason.

“At the quantity of grounds in my cup, boy,” replied the old man.

“Ah,” said the son, “then you certainly have many grounds for complaint.”

Enjoy some more good old-fashioned jokes!

About The Author

Carol Connare

As the 14th editor of The Old Farmer’s Almanac, Carol Connare works with writers and other editors to develop “new, useful, and entertaining matter” for the annual Almanac as well as books, calendars, and other publications. Read More from Carol Connare

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