Counting Chickens, Mistaken Identity, and More Humor

Mistaken Identity

He was scorching through the countryside at a mile-a-minute clip. Around a bend he sped, straight into a bunch of fowls, and a terrible clucking told him that something was wrong. 
He pulled up and glanced back. Two birds lay dead in the road; two others were fleeing, squawking, back home; and a burly man in overalls was striding angrily toward the automobile.
“That’s be 12 dollars—3 dollars apiece for the four,” said the man.
“Four?!” gasped the motorist. “But I only killed two.”
“That’s right,” agreed the owner, “but them other two will never lay a blessed egg after this.”
“I’m sorry,” said the motorist, as he handed over the money. “Due to the fright, I suppose.”
The farmer shook his head as he pushed the bills into his pocket and started away. 
“Partly fright,” he agreed slowly, “but mainly because they ain’t hens!”

Don’t Forget Me!

The sons of the emperor of Austria got into a quarrel. In the height of passion, one of them said to the other, “You are the greatest fool in Vienna!”
Highly offended by their having the audacity to argue in his presence, the emperor rebuked them: “You forget that I am present!”

Unanchored

“The captain says we can’t do any fishing here because there’s no holding ground for the anchor, and it makes him cross.”
“Cantankerous, I should say.”

That Settles It

Suitor: “Sir, I assure you, I would be happy to marry your daughter even if she were as poor as a church mouse.”
Father: “That settles it, then. I don’t want a fool like you in the family.”

Axed

“Our guides are very handy with the axe.”
“Yes, they make the fir fly.”

Counting Your Chickens

“If there were 20 chickens in the coop,” said the teacher, “and two were missing one morning, how many would you have?”
“Well,” answered her pupil, “if they were mine in the first place, I’d have 18. If they weren’t, I’d have 2.”

Outdoor Dining

“I just saw Johnson at a two-wheeled cart down the street, munching on a sandwich.”
“Dining à la cart, as it were.”

Chew on This

“Yes, chewing slowly reduced my weight, but I didn’t have enough time to spend doing it. Now, since I’ve taken up eating fast again, my girth has increased 2 inches!”
“Seems to be a case of haste makes waist.”

Want more old-fashioned jokes? Check out last month’s Humor Me!