February 3, 2016
Once again, here are some grins and groans from The Old Farmer’s Almanac, “Useful with a pleasant degree of humor.” Warning: We did say a “degree” of humor!
- A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
- Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all of the records of their league were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
- A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
- Back in the 1800s, the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products. Because they already made cases for pocket watches, they decided to market compasses—which would also need cases—for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of the finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression “He who has a Tates is lost.”
- Two boll weevils grow up in South Carolina. One goes to Hollywood and becomes a famous actor. The other stays behind in the cotton fields and never amounts to much. The second one, naturally, becomes known as the lesser of two weevils.
- A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain, and they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes that she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
- A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Letters from second graders …
- Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you got now?
- I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
- I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family, and I can never do it.
- Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
- Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this summer.
- If you give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.
- We read that Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
- Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.