A Fair Warning, an Unfair Objection, and More Humor
Grins and Groans from The Old Farmer's Almanac
December 13, 2017
It’s time for another edition of “Humor Me” from The Old Farmer’s Almanac! Consider yourself warned.
An Arkansas man on trial for stealing a saw told the judge that he had done so only as a joke.
“But then you took it too far,” observed the judge.
“Only about 2 miles,” said the man, before getting sentenced to 3 months.
The good Reverend Macdonald was recounting how, when he was courting Miss Brown—the lass who would become Mrs. Macdonald—her father, the good Reverend Brown, was injudicious enough on one occasion to enter the parlor without giving any warning of his approach.
The consequence was that he found the sweethearts occupying a single chair. Deeply shocked by this spectacle, the old man solemnly said: “Mr. Macdonald, when I was courting Mrs. Brown, she sat on one side of the room and I on the other.”
Said Macdonald: “And that’s what I too would have done had I been courting Mrs. Brown.”
Change and Rest
While sojourning in Bermuda, celebrated wit William R. Travers of New York City came down to the wharf one day to see the arrivals on the steamer.
Meeting an acquaintance, he said, “Ah, Merrill, what brings you down here?”
“Oh, just came for a little change and rest.”
“Sorry to discourage you,” said Travers, “but I’m afraid you’ll go home with neither.”
“How’s that?” asked Merrill.
“Well,” Travers responded, “the waiters will get all the change, and the hotel will get all the rest.”
Wife: “But Henry, you mustn’t scold so much about mothers-in-law. There are good ones.”
Husband: “My dear, I haven’t said anything against your mother-in-law. It’s mine I object to.”
Here to Stay
A Vermont farmer looked over his wall at the hopelessly stuck horseless carriage, around which its helpless owners were fussing futilely.
“Well,” he remarked, “it looks like the automobile is here to stay.”
Caught in a Lie
Fisherman (to fishmonger): “Just throw me a half-dozen of those trout.”
Fishmonger: “Throw them?”
Fisherman: “Yes—then I will have caught them, don’t you see? I may be a poor fisherman, but I’m no liar.”
The Laying on of Hands
Mrs. Hix: “I don’t take any stock in these faith cures brought about by the laying on of hands.”
Mrs. Dix: “Well, I do. I cured my son of the cigarette habit in that way.”