For daily wit & wisdom, sign up for the Almanac newsletter.
Ready for a smile? Here are 10 jokes including lots of funny church bulletin bloopers from The Old Farmer’s Almanac.
Actual Excerpts From Church Bulletins
“This evening there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of this church. The children may be baptized at both ends.”
“Thursday at 7:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Mothers’ Club. All those wishing to become little mothers, please meet with the minister at 7:00 p.m.”
“Tuesday at 7:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.”
“Wednesday, the Ladies’ Aid Society will meet and Mrs. Johnson will sing ‘Put Me in My Little Bed’ accompanied by the minister.”
“Sunday being Easter, will Mrs. Thomas please come forward and lay an egg on the altar?”
“The service will close with ‘Little Drops of Water.’ If some lady will quietly start, the rest of the congregation will follow.”
Punship When Lord Howe, who was at one time a great favorite in the British Navy, became unpopular, he was lamenting the circumstances to a friend, who replied, “Ah, my dear Lord, I always thought that yours was a fleeting popularity.”
His Attention Was Diverted
Johnson: “I saw Matt this morning.”
Johnson: “Yes, and I had a great mind to speak to him—he owes me $50.”
Jackson: “I hear he has been sick. How was he looking?”
Johnson: “Well, he was looking the other way when I met him.”
A man who had climbed up a chestnut tree had by carelessness missed his hold of one of the boughs and fell to the ground with such violence as to break one of his ribs. A neighbor coming to his assistance remarked to him dryly that had he followed “the rule” in such cases, he would have avoided this accident.
“What rule do you mean?”
“This,” replied the philosopher. “Never come down a place faster than you can go up.”
Cutting Through the Fog in North Dakota
As reported many years ago in the Bismarck Tribune, state senator I. E. Solberg had the obvious solution to a ticklish problem:
“What we ought to do now, obviously, is suspend all activity until we can hold a plebiscite to select a panel that will appoint a commission authorized to hire a new team of experts to restudy the feasibility of compiling an index of all the committees that have in the past inventoried and cataloged the various studies aimed at finding out what happened to all the policies that were scrapped when new policies were decided on by somebody else. Once that’s out of the way, I think we could go full steam ahead with some preliminary plans for a new study with federal funds of why nothing can be done right now.”