Telling the Whole Truth, Cow Jokes, and Funny Instructions | Almanac Humor and Jokes | The Old Farmer's Almanac

Funny Court Transcriptions and More Jokes


Though a court of law might seem like a serious place, sometimes it sure can be funny to listen to people tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!


Telling the Whole Truth, a Cow Joke, and Assembly Instructions

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The Old Farmer’s Almanac always has a pleasant degree of humor, so please laugh with us at these hilarious court transcriptions, a very corny cow joke, and some unintelligible instructions for assembling just about anything!

Do You Swear to Tell the Whole Truth?

These actual court transcriptions raise the question of just what the “whole truth” is …

Q: What is your brother-in-law’s name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What is his first name?
A: I can’t remember.
Q: He’s been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you can’t remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I’m too excited. [Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin] Nathan, for God’s sake, tell them your first name!

Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
A: Yes.
Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?
A: [After hesitation] No sir, just above it.

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I’m divorced.
Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn’t know about.

Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cheney and said he was really good.

Q: Did the lady standing in the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog’s wife.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

The Corniest Cow Joke of All Time


Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”

“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.

“It’s true. No bull!” exclaimed Daisy.

Read about the first case of artificial insemination.

Instructions for the Assembly of Just About Anything


You can try this in the privacy of your own home.

Grasp gizmo in your left hand. With your right hand, insert the doohickey into the little whoosie just below the bright red thingamajig and gently—gently!—turn it in a clockwise direction until you hear a click. Attach the long thingamabob to the whatchamacallit. Do not under any circumstances allow the metal whatsit on the end to come in contact with the black plastic thingummy. Failure to follow these instructions will result in damage to the doodad.

Do you have any great jokes that you love to tell? Let us know below!

Check out even more hilarious Almanac humor, including funny marriage advice.

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