Funny Headlines, Jokes, Puns, and Words

Great True Headlines from History

1. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

2. Hospitals Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

5. War Dims Hope for Peace

6. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

7. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash

8. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

9. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

10. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Funny Words: What Certain Words Really Mean

Straight from The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational, some alternate meanings that you can feel free to use!

• Oyster, noun: a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms
• Coffee, noun: the person upon whom one coughs
• Esplanade, verb: to attempt an explanation while drunk
• Flabbergasted, adj.: appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained
• Flatulence, noun: emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller
• Negligent, adj.: absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown
• Testicle, noun: a humorous question on an exam

19th-Century Pun

Two scholarly gentlemen were dining when one noticed a spot of greasy gravy on the other’s tie.

“Ah, I see you are Grecian,” said the observer.

“Pooh!” replied his companion. “Now, that’s far-fetched!”

“Not at all,” the first responded. “I made it up on the spot.”

How to Become a Permanent Job Seeker

Honesty is good, but sometimes discretion would have been better—as evidenced by these true quotes from job interviews.

• “I’m really not a big learner. I’d much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn’t change a lot.”
• “My parents told me that I need to get a job, so that is why I’m here.”
• “I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, Why not?”
• “What is two weeks’ notice? I’ve never quit a job before—I’ve always been fired.”
• “If this doesn’t work out, can I call you to go out sometime?”

Check out more hilarious job interview quotes!

The Corniest Bar Joke of All Time

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer, please, and one for the road.”

Not enough? Here are more jokes, puns, and humor from the Old Farmer!