Grins and Groans from The Old Farmer's Almanac
It’s time for another edition of “Humor Me” from The Old Farmer’s Almanac! Read at your own risk!
“Well, farmer, you told us that your place was a good place for hunting, but now we have tramped it for 3 hours, and we have found no game!”
“Exactly,” said the farmer. “As a general rule, the less game there is, the more hunting you have.”
About Salt Lake
“What have you got that’s good?” asked the weary, dusty, hungry traveler in the mid-1800s, seating himself at a restaurant table in Salt Lake City.
“Oh, we’ve got roast beef, corned beef, roast mutton, broiled and fried ham, and fried curlews.”
“What is a curlew?” asked the stranger.
“Curlew? Why, a curlew is a bird something like a snipe.”
“Could it fly?”
“Did it have wings?”
“Then I don’t want any curlew. Anything that had wings and could fly and didn’t leave this blessed country, I don’t want for dinner!”
“I don’t miss church so much as you may suppose,” said a lady to her minister, who called on her during her illness. “I make my daughter sit in the window as soon as the bells begin to chime, and she tells me who is going to church and whether they’re wearing anything new.”
I Didn’t Do It
“Papa,” said the small boy, “should the teacher punish me for something I didn’t do?”
“Certainly not, my boy!”
“Well, today he laid into me for not doing my lesson.”
Up in Smoke
A lady was once declaring that she could not understand how gentlemen could smoke. “It certainly shortens their lives,” said she.
“I don’t know that,” exclaimed a gentleman. “There’s my father, who smokes every day, and he’s 70 years old.”
“Well,” was the reply, “if he had never smoked, he might have been 80 by this time.”
A politician, in writing a letter of condolence to the wife of a deceased member of the legislature, said, “I can not tell you how pained I was to hear that your husband had gone to heaven. We were bosom friends, but now we shall never meet again.”
Two deacons in a country town were arguing over the merits of a particular graveyard.
“Well,” said one, “I’ll never be buried in that graveyard as long as I live.”
“What an obstinate man!” replied the other. “If the Lord spares my life, I will!”
Want more old-fashioned humor? Check out last month’s Humor Me!