How to Buy Soap, Fooling Yourself, and More Humor

Grins and Groans from The Old Farmer's Almanac

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It’s time for another edition of “Humor Me” from The Old Farmer’s Almanac! Consider yourself warned.

How to Buy Soap

A deaf old lady walked into a store and asked for 10 cents’ worth of soap.

“We don’t sell it by pieces,” said the polite clerk.

“Yes, and I want the yellow kind,” replied the old lady.

“You don’t understand me, madam,” said the clerk. “I said that we don’t sell partial bars.”

“Sure enough,” replied the aged customer, “soap isn’t what it used to be. They put too much junk in it these days.”

“Oh, my goodness!” exclaimed the now distracted clerk in a stage whisper. “Will you just listen to this lady?”

Then, placing his mouth to her ear, he as much as screamed: “We! Don’t! Sell! Partial! Soap! Here!”

“Yes,” said the old lady, “you may put it up in paper and tie a string around it if you like.”

The clerk rushed to a box, took out a bar of soap, and almost flung it at the old woman, exclaiming: “Please! Just take this and leave!”

The old lady carefully laid her dime on the counter and, as she did so, remarked to the clerk:

“You’re the politest and most accommodating young man I’ve ever seen, and I’ll surely call again when I want more soap!”

–M. Quad (Charles Bertrand Lewis, 1842–1924)

Soap

A Hobbling Pun

A strolling gentleman remarked to his companion that the man limping down the street in front of them was a famous bishop.

“Indeed, is it so?,” replied the second. “I should not have imagined him to be a clergyman, but a lame man.”

Mens' shirt

Shifty

A commercial traveler realized that he had accidentally left an article of his wardrobe at an inn and some time later wrote to the chambermaid to return it to him. He received the following answer:

I hope, dear sir, you’ll not feel hurt,

I’ll plainly tell you about it;

I’ve made a shift of your old shirt,

And you must make a shift without it.

Invoice

Played the Fool

A letter once arrived at the New Orleans post office addressed to the “Biggest Fool in the City.”

The postmaster being absent at the time, one of the postal clerks informed him of the letter upon his return.

“And what became of it?” asked the postmaster.

“Why, I didn’t know who the biggest fool in New Orleans was, so I opened it myself.”

“And what did you find?”

“Find?” replied the clerk. “Why, nothing but the words ‘Thou art the man.’”

 

Want more jokes? Check out last month’s Humor Me!

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