Jokes and Puns from The Old Farmer

Don’t Mess With Senior Citizens

They didn’t get to be old by being stupid.

A senior citizen couple is traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George, British Columbia. After almost 11 hours on the road, they are too tired to continue and decide to take a room. But they plan to sleep for only 4 hours and then get back on the road. When they check out 4 hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The husband explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350 for 4 hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350 is the standard rate. The husband then insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-size swimming pool and a huge conference center that were available for the couple to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the husband says.

“Well, they are here and you could have,” explains the manager. The manager then goes on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,” the manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband says.

“Well, they were here and you could have,” the manager replies.

No matter what amenity the manager mentions, the husband replies, “But we didn’t use it!”

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gives up and agrees to pay. As he didn’t have the checkbook, he asks his wife to write the check. She does and gives it to the manager.

The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

“But, ma’am, this is only made out for $50.”

“That’s correct,” she replies. “I charged you $300 for sleeping with me.”

“But I didn’t,” exclaims the manager.

“Well, too bad. I was here and you could have,” she says.

19th-Century Nonsense: Doctors and Hog Butchers

A person who was famous for his antipathy toward the medical profession once accosted a doctor with the observation that physicians were no better than hog butchers.

“I am glad,” retorted the doctor, “for hog butchers are very adept in the business of curing.”

19th-Century Nonsense: A Sign of Contentment

A gentleman had a board put up on part of his land, on which was written: “I will give this field to anyone who is really contented.”

Whenever a suitor to the land came forth and was asked “Are you contented?,” the general reply was always “Yes, I am.”

“Then,” would rejoin the gentleman, “what do you want with my field?”

Pundemonium

• A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
• A backward poet writes inverse.

Check out our Almanac Humor page for more fantastic jokes like these!