It’s time for another edition of “Humor Me” from The Old Farmer’s Almanac! Read at your own risk!
A country man deep in dyspeptic despair once called upon the local doctor, who gave him some dietary advice and wrote him a prescription for some tonic, saying, “Take this and come back in a fortnight.”
In 10 days, the patient came back, blooming and happy, quite well.
Delighted and not a little proud of his skill, the doctor asked to see the prescription that he had given the man, having forgotten what it was in the meantime.
The man said he didn’t have it.
“Where is it?”
“I took it, like you said.”
“I know, but where is it?”
“Well, you told me to take it, so I ate it.”
And How Quiet Was It?
A traveler, describing a very quiet village, said: “It was still, very still—so still at night that I could almost hear my bed ticking.”
The Meaning of a Miracle
Having preached a sermon on miracles, a priest in Ireland, while walking homeward, was asked by one of his congregation to explain a little more clearly what a miracle meant.
“It’s a miracle you want to understand?” asked the clergyman. “Then walk on ahead a little and I’ll try to think of how I can explain it to you.”
After the man had walked on a little, the priest came after him and gave him a tremendous kick.
“Ow-w-w!” roared the man.
“What did you do that for?”
“Did you feel it?” asked the priest.
“To be sure, I did,” replied the man.
“Well, then, it would have been a miracle if you had not.”
A tipsy chap, who was seated on the box with the stage driver, swayed backward till he tumbled off. But the mud was deep, and he fell softly.
“I declare!” he said as he crawled out of the muck. “I knew you’d tip over if you didn’t take care!”
Upon being told that they indeed had not tipped over, he continued: “Didn’t tip over? If I’d known that, I wouldn’t have gotten off!”
Fearing an earthquake, a father sent his two boys to a distant friend’s until the peril passed. A few weeks later, the man received a letter from his friend: “Please take your boys home and send the earthquake.”
A schoolteacher was getting exasperated by her class, which apparently had not done its homework.
For the second time, she asked, “Who signed the Magna Carta?”
Again, no one stirred.
“Tell me, who was it who signed the Magna Carta!” she insisted.
“Please, ma’am,” a little voice was heard to say, “I didn’t do it.”
Want more old-fashioned humor? Check out last month’s Humor Me!