Sometimes, it’s parents who say the darnedest things. Try not to roll your eyes too hard at this edition of Humor Me!
A Mother’s Letter to Her Son
I write to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing as slowly as I can, as I know you don’t read fast.
You won’t know the house when you come home—we moved. We had trouble moving, especially the bed—the man wouldn’t let us take it in the taxi, and we were afraid that we might wake your father.
Your father has a nice new job, and very responsible. He has about 500 people under him—he cuts the grass at the cemetery.
Our neighbors, the Browns, started keeping pigs. We got wind of it yesterday.
I got my appendix out and a dishwasher put in. There is a washing machine in the new house here, but it don’t work too good. Last week, I put 14 shirts in it and pulled that chain. They whirled around real good, but then disappeared.
Your uncle Pat drowned last week in a whiskey vat at the distillery. Four of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated the body the next day and just got the fire out this morning.
I went to the doctor with your father last week. The doctor put a small glass tube with a red line in it in my mouth and told me not to open it for 10 minutes. Your father wanted to buy it from him.
It rained only twice last week—once for 3 days and once for 4 days. Monday was so windy that our chicken laid the same egg four times.
Your loving mother,
Of Good Measure
Having been subpoenaed to testify in an assault trial, a humorous fellow was examined by a counsel notorious for browbeating witnesses.
“How far away were you?” the lawyer asked.
“Just 4 feet, 4 and one-half inches,” replied the fellow.
“How come you can be so very exact?”
“Well, because I expected some fool or other would ask me, so I measured it.”
“Uncle John,” said little Emily, “did you hear that a baby that was fed on elephant’s milk gained 200 pounds in one week?”
“Nonsense! Impossible! Whose baby was it?”
A Chicago woman attending the movies one day had a very bad headache and, groping in her purse, took, over a period of 2 hours, what she assumed to be five aspirin tablets—with no relief.
When she left the theater, she discovered to her horror that she had taken concentrated food tablets for plants. She read the directions in fear and trembling to see if she had been poisoned. All was reassuring until she came to a footnote that read: “Each tablet is equivalent to 1 shovelful of manure.”
Want more jokes? Check out last month’s Humor Me!