More Grins and Groans From the Almanac

Too Late

A man boarded the sleeper train in New York late one evening and said to the porter, as he prepared to retire, “I have an important engagement in Syracuse in the morning and must get off there. I am a very hard man to awaken, but I am going to give you this $50 bill. You see that I get off in Syracuse.”

Some time later, the man awakened and discovered that the Sun was shining. He called the porter and asked, “Where are we now?”

Said the porter: “We’ll be getting in to Buffalo in a short time.”

The traveler burst out in an angry protest to the porter, using words that do not ordinarily appear in print.

The train conductor overheard the conversation and called the porter. He said, “You are expected to be courteous to people on the train, but you don’t have to stand for conversation of that kind.”

The porter replied, “If you think that was bad, you should have heard the man I put off in Syracuse!”

Unto Us, a Child Is Born

A young businessman, a deacon in his local church, was going to Chicago on business and while there was to purchase a new sign to be hung in front of the church.

He copied the motto and dimensions of the old sign, but when he got to Chicago, he discovered that he had left the paper behind, whereupon he wired his wife: “Send motto and dimensions.”

An hour later, a message came over the wire, and the new lady clerk at the sign shop, who had been out to lunch and knew nothing of the previous message, read it and fainted.

The message said: “Unto us a child is born. 6 ft. long and 2 ft. wide.”

Pundemonium

• Did you hear about the patient who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
• The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The Corniest Dog Joke of All Time

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, and then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What?! Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No,” says the vet, “because he’s really heavy.”

PUN material

19th-Century Nonsense:

Passing by a house that had been almost consumed by fire, a Bostonian inquired as to whose it was.

On being told that it had belonged to a hatter, he observed: “Well, then, I guess the loss will be much felt.”

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