Ready for a Chuckle? A Few Good Jokes

Safety First

A longhaired man walked into the general store. “Do you sell stale eggs?” he asked.

“No,” answered the grocer with a smile, “but I’ve got some.”

“Well, give me all you’ve got,” said the stranger.

As he bundled up the eggs, the grocer laughed and said, “I guess you’re going to see Hamlet tonight at the opera house.”

“No,” said the stranger grimly. “I’m going to play Hamlet tonight at the opera house.”

Inspired Grace

The minister had dropped in just as preparations for supper were nearly finished, and the good housewife felt obliged to delay the meal while she prepared something adequate for the occasion. When the meal was served, this was the minister’s grace: 

The Lord be praised! 

How I’m amazed

To see how things have mended.

Shortcake and tea

For supper I see

Where milk and mush
were intended.

Waisted

A milk wagon was struck by a streetcar, and cans of milk and cream flew in every direction. As usual, a crowd gathered. A short man who had squeezed toward the front until his way was blocked by a heavyset woman managed to peek around her and saw the rich cream on the pavement.

“Heavens, what a waste!” he exclaimed.

The woman turned on him and cried, “Now, you mind your own business!”

Clueless

An irascible father administered a sound spanking to his son. After he had finished, to drive home the message, he thundered:

“Now, tell me why I punished you!”

“That’s just it,” sobbed the boy. “You spank the daylights out of me and don’t even know why!”

Contradictory Dialogue

“Well, friend, you are first, at last. You used to be behind, before. I am glad to see you getting to be more early, of late.”

“Why, yes! I thought I would turn square around, straight off,
and come at once to
be ready to go.”

“We must be getting along in short order. I can’t stand to sit here, though ’tis bad to bid our friends good-bye.”

Oops!

“Why, Freddie!” exclaimed the mother of a precocious 5-year-old. “Aren’t you ashamed to have called your Aunt Mary ‘stupid’? Now, you go over to her at once and tell her you’re sorry!”

“Auntie,” said the little fellow a few moments later, “I’m awful sorry you’re so stupid.”

Ready for another chuckle? See more jokes and puns from The Old Farmer’s Almanac.