Grins and Groans from The Old Farmer's Almanac.
Sometimes, it’s mothers who say the darnedest things. Try not to roll your eyes too hard at this edition of Humor Me!
A Mother’s Letter to Her Son
I write to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing as slowly as I can, as I know you don’t read fast.
You won’t know the house when you come home—we moved. We had trouble moving, especially the bed—the man wouldn’t let us take it in the taxi, and we were afraid that we might wake your father.
Your father has a nice new job, and very responsible. He has about 500 people under him—he cuts the grass at the cemetery.
Our neighbors, the Browns, started keeping pigs. We got wind of it yesterday.
I got my appendix out and a dishwasher put in. There is a washing machine in the new house here, but it don’t work too good. Last week, I put 14 shirts in it and pulled that chain. They whirled around real good, but then disappeared.
Your uncle Pat drowned last week in a whiskey vat at the distillery. Four of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated the body the next day and just got the fire out this morning.
I went to the doctor with your father last week. The doctor put a small glass tube with a red line in it in my mouth and told me not to open it for 10 minutes. Your father wanted to buy it from him.
It rained only twice last week—once for 3 days and once for 4 days. Monday was so windy that our chicken laid the same egg four times.
Your loving mother,
Mother’s Day Jokes
Sunday school teacher: Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?
Johnny: No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.
Dan: What did the mother bullet say to the daddy bullet?
Dan: We’re gonna have a BB!”
Jack: Why did the monster’s mother knit him three socks?
Bill: I have no idea. Why?
Jack: She heard he grew another foot!
Elephant: Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Hippo: I give up.
Elephant: Because their kids have to play inside!
Robbie: Larry’s mother had four children. Three were named North, South and West. What was her other child’s name?
Robbie: No. Larry.
Mother to son: I’m warning you. If you fall out of that tree and break both your legs, don’t come running to me!
“Uncle John,” said little Emily, “did you hear that a baby that was fed on elephant’s milk gained 200 pounds in one week?”
“Nonsense! Impossible! Whose baby was it?”
Want more jokes? Check out last month’s Humor Me!
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