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Once again, we bring you grins and groans from The Old Farmer’s Almanac, “useful with a pleasant degree of humor.” (We warned you: it’s only a degree!)
World History According to Schoolkids
“Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines!”
“Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.”
“The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.” [Editor’s note: We are certain that this young writer meant “laid to rest.”]
“Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.”
“Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats together backward and declared, ‘A horse divided against itself can not stand.’ Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.”
At a meeting of the church men’s group in a small New England town, the upcoming 50th anniversary of Brother Ralph came up. The minister asked Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all those years.
Brother Ralph replied, “Basically, I treated her with respect and spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
“Like to where?” asked the minister.
“Well, for our 25th anniversary,” said Ralph, “I took her to Beijing, China.”
“Wow! What a terrific example you are to all the members of our group,” said the
minister. “Can you tell us what you’re doing for your 50th?”
Brother Ralph: “I’m going to go get her.”
Quite a (True) Pickup Line
A woman went into her local newspaper office to write the obituary for her recently deceased husband. The editor informed her that the fee for a submitted obituary was one dollar per word, aside from the name and address. She paused, reflected, and then said, “Well, then, let it read, ‘Billy Bob died.’”
“Sorry, ma’am,” replied the editor, “but I’m afraid there’s a seven-word minimum on all submitted obituaries.”
Somewhat flustered, the woman thought for a minute and then instructed the editor to write, “Billy Bob died. 1983 pickup for sale.”