Funny Car Accident Reports and More Humor | Almanac.com

Funny Car Accident Reports and More Humor

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Accidental Reporting! Here are true quotes from hapless policyholders—plus some more humor for the day!

Accidental Reporting

  • Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
  • I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
  • I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  • The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
  • In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.
  • My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
  • I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
  • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
  • The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.
  • The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

As Usual 

“How did you get along with your wife in that argument?” 

“Oh, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees.”

“Yeah, what did she say?”

“She called me a coward and dared me to come out from under the bed.”coin_toss_half_width.jpg

Two Ends

God has given us two ends

With a common link.

With the one, we sit.

With the other, we think.

Success in life depends

On which we choose:

Heads, you win.

Tails, you lose.

19th-Century Nonsense

A Scarcity of Asses

The Rev. Mr. Thomas, riding home on a particular occasion, came upon two members of his parish who had recently been made justices of the peace.

The parishioners, seeing the minister atop a fine steed, decided to tease him by saying: “Well, Mr. Thomas, you are very unlike your Master, for He was content to ride upon an ass.”

“An ass?” exclaimed the minister. “Why, there’s no such beast to be gotten nowadays.”

“Aye, how’s that?”

“Because they now make them justices of the peace.”

Ready for more laughs? See more grins and groans from The Old Farmer’s Almanac.

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