Funny Malapropisms


January 12, 2016
Doctor Illo

We have fun collecting malapropisms, the misuse of a word that sounds similar to the correct word that the person had in mind (such as “oblivion”).

About the People Who Drink Themselves into Bolivia

  • A colleague of ours once noted that she preferred “decapitated coffee.”
  • Another friend claimed her boyfriend “took her for granite.”
  • Hospital “sightings” have included “old timer’s disease,” “prostrate cancer,” “chickenpops,” “smiling mighty Jesus” (for spinal meningitis), and “65 roses” (for cystic fibrosis).
  • A longtime Navy man was once reported to have died from “sea roaches of the liver.”
  • One woman told us that she was going through “mental pause,” before adding that her husband had quit smoking, “cold duck.” (Did she mean that he had quit drinking Cold Duck?)
  • Another was said to have told a counselor that she couldn’t have a sexually transmitted disease because, despite a recent “falling down,” both she and her husband were unfailingly “monotonous.”
  • And then there was the gastrointestinal patient who apparently got confused on the word “spectrum” and said of a beautiful sunset, “It had all the colors of the rectum.”

And Some Humor for the Road

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.


“How’d you end up with a peg leg?” asks the sailor. “I was swept overboard in a storm,” says the pirate. “A shark bit off me whole leg.”

“Wow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook?”

“We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other seamen with swords. One of them cut me hand clean off.”

“And the eye patch?”

“A seagull dropping fell in me eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“It was me first day with the hook.”

More Grins and Groans

The FBI Orders Pizza


It seems that FBI agents conducted a raid on a psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for somesort of medical fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents involved had worked up quite an appetite, so the agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor to order a quick dinner delivered for his colleagues.

Because they were taping all conversations at the hospital at the time, the following conversation was recorded.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You’re an FBI agent?

Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say that you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don’t think so.

Reader Comments

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My 3 adult children where in the kitchen when I was making a fruit cake. My son ask if he could help and I gave him the nuts to chop. When he became to enthusiast in his chopping I started to tell him to stop or he would have nut dust. But, what came out was "your going to have duck nuts." I was embarrassed and the kids thought it was funny Mom cussed.


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