How Not to Rob a Bank

The Perfect Bank Robbery

1. Pick the right bank. Don’t make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, California, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

2. Keep family out of it. A California robber ran into his mother while he was making his getaway. She turned him in.

3. Arm yourself … with a squash. A man in White Plains, New York, held up a bank with a zucchini. Successfully. A gun wasn’t necessary: Most bank clerks are compliant and hand over the loot rather then risk harm to themselves, colleagues, or customers. Plus, additional criminal charges apply to gun-toting robbers, if caught. Which the zuke-slinger was, at his home.

4. Make mapping your quest. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to the military police guardhouse, and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

5. Become a master of disguise. One would-be thief thought that if he smeared a mercury ointment on his face, he would be invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture of him.

6. Bring a bag. In these days of exploding dye packets, stuffing the cash into your pants pockets can lead to embarrassing stains, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places. Or so bandits from San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.

Remember, the easiest way to get money is to make it the old-fashioned way: Earn it. Maybe by working at a bank!

For more great laughs, check out one of The Old Farmer’s Almanac’s funniest pages. If you think you’re all set on your bank robbing advice, check out our funny marriage advice! 

Did you read this page because you wanted to be careful not to make a fool of yourself during your next bank heist? To keep from embarrassing yourself in daily conversation, see if you’re messing up on any of these common malapropisms.